Boyfriend/girlfriend or friends with benefits?

Sabriel Asked: Boyfriend/girlfriend or friends with benefits?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year (next week is our one year anniversary.) We hardly get to see each other (maybe once a week or once every two weeks). Whenever we hang out, it's usually at my house because we're so tired and we end up watching a movie, making out, etc… He and I are in college and I'm 21 and he's 22. The thing is, it doesn't feel like we're that close. We haven't gone out in a long while. (since august.)
Last night when we were messing around he said "f*** me, please" as if he were really turned on. I don't know if that's really appropriate or loving to say. Does it sound like we're serious? He says "I love you" to me still and I will sometimes to him. We just sort of have this system where that's what we do to hang out. He comes over and then we kiss each other and such since it's been so long since we saw each other.

Is this a good, normal relationship? (we don't have sex and don't plan to until marriage)

Answers:

Kimberly Answered:
Is this a mutual and personal agreement between the both of you not to have sex until marriage? If so, then that's great and I do not need to address that.

If, however, this is something you two decide to do for each other and not for personal reasons–his comment last night is definitely inappropriate and raises concern about whether he is still able to wait.

Being in college is definitely a time where temptations arise, so maybe address this. If he seriously is unable to wait, maybe decide that it is best to go your separate ways. Do what is comfortable for you, do not stay in a relationship where you might feel pressured to taking the next step in order to stay in the relationship. This is something to discuss. IF you ever find yourself considering making a sacrifice for the happiness of an individual — then strongly consider whether this individual is worth it and how you would feel if they were not. It's a huge sign when you begin to doubt a relationship/person and your feelings. There is a difference between conflict with a relationship due to events you cannot control (i.e. long distance, college) and the actual person whom you are with.

If its really just the former, unfortunately, money is going to be tight so going out is difficult when you're in college.Even doing something relaxing should work though, such as going to a park and laying there instead of watching tv at home and fooling around. Try and work your relationship into something based on more than physical.

And realistically determine whether you two actually love each other. You do not have to go out to be close, but it helps to communicate and do things with each other (as opposed to to each other).



Kika Answered:
So, why don;t YOU do the same thing.

"Forget" to put his underwear in the laundry.
"Forget" to make his side of the bed.
"Forget" to serve his dinner.
"Forget" to MAKE his dinner.

No explanations. just don't do it.When he ask, tell him that you forgot.

And tell Mom to back off.You are an adult, married, woman.There is NO REASON why your mother should take these things out on you.tell herto alk to your husband.



Gary B Answered:
Oh goodness, if I had a nickel…I hear ya. Just maddening. The only thing I can suggest is maybe he just really hates garbage duty. Have you tried trading this task for something else (ie: he cooks/does the dishes and you do the garbage?). Tricky one. I'm also wondering if he's doing this on purpose. Is there something that you are/aren't doing that drives him crazy and he is retaliating in this way? (not trying to blame, just trying to get to the bottom of it).

Maybe next time give him a big smooch and a heinie pat before you ask him. Mix the good with the bad?

Good luck!



Bob Marleys House Frau Answered:
I will tell you, I have been through the same trash/chore argument. I am 28 years old and have been with my husband of1.5 years for 11 years, living together for 6 of those years. I don't know how your relationship is, but my husband and I are very close…having been together since we were practically kids. I have recently come to the revelation that he truly doesn't do this on purpose, he just simply doesn't think about it non stop like I do. SHAME on him for that, lol, not caring about such IMPORTANT things…not really. I understand you feel like it could possibly leave you homeless…but if your Mother, that you care for, would really do something like that to you and your husband that is what you should be concerned with. What kind of dependent Mother would do that to their child at any age over something like the trash not being taken out on time. I feel like based off only what you have written there is some communication lacking here with both you and your husband and you and your Mother. As well as a GREATER issue that supersedes the trash debate that you aren't discussing. If there isn't then you are dealing with an irrational Mother and just imagine how your husband feels living there with her. It is all about perspective, just to imagine his and what he is living in, and what is really the problem other than the "trash".



TiltMe2Day Answered:
You're a one-car house, so take the keys when he comes home. In the morning, he'll ask where his keys are, and you can tell him, "They'll be waiting on the counter once the trash is taken out."

Otherwise, tell him to do it as soon as he comes home. "Hi, honey, before you sit down, take the trash out."
"I'll do it later."
"I don't believe you. Take it out, now."
"I took it this morning."
"Really? Excellent, come show me the empty can."

He's not lying. Well, I suppose he is a little, but instead of calling it a lie, I'd call it passive aggression. He realizes he can do this because you're not giving consequences to his actions, you're simply complaining and he's learned that he can ignore that and nothing will happen.

You're absolutely right, it IS like living with a child. I really can't help you with that one. Yelling no longer works, so I guess you need to try something else.
Divorce isn't the answer because, as you pointed out, nobody can afford that option, anyway.



Liz Answered:
Tell your father in law if he doesn't stop then you will have to tell your husband.



NEAL JR Answered:
If you don't do somthing it will get worse. By doing nothing about it, you will be condoneing it. And I'd ask for the key back..Him having a key is asking for trouble.



Dayliaaria Answered:
I would ask him not to come around if you husband isn't in so he can moniter the sitution! I would tell your husband but not in a nasty way.



givemestrength Answered:
This is not unknown in families. But hold off from telling your husband. Either you square up to the father-in-law, and tell him not to do what he does or you'll inform your husband of his bad behaviour.

Maybe this threat will wake him up and make him realise he mustn't do this to you or your daughter.

There is a father in our family just recently lost his wife, who does this touching up and leering talk and make people very uncomfortable around him.

Dirty old man is his reputation now. But this father has been doing this for some years before he lost her.

How you solve this is not an easy matter, but try to keep a good distance from this man, and be wary for your daughter's plight.

givemestrength



Suzanne lily of the valley Answered:
Chris, I don't think he is a pervert – if for example he was even younger than your husband and obviously not related, you would not think this- so because he is older, does not make him OLD.However, it is not appropriate and you have no choice but to tell your husband!

As for your daughter: I think you mean you are afraid he will make a move – rather than he has, in which case, I think he actually fancies you and therefore not interested in your daughter, and it is for this reason, you ought to speak with your husband; he would get riled if you accused his father being a pervert, so you should not have that in your mind.

You also should stop blaming yourself, because if you are doing nothing to encourage him then you are not wrong and your husband can ask his father not to behave this way and if he is decent enough, he will stop and no need to break family ties.



Kc Answered:
Now, between protecting your husband and your 18 year old, what do you think?
Your husband is a big man, and although it's his dad, he'll get over it. Besides, you're not telling him not to see his dad anymore, just to have a chat with him and probably ask him not to come around unanounced. That's not asking for the moon is it?

I think that when you are prepared to jeopardized your children safety to save a relationship then you are totally going to ruin that relationship anyway.
Your choice of action is wrong.
Your reasons for doing it is also wrong.

Your priority is to protect your daughter and get some respect.
Now, the old man doesn't seem to have a mental health problem, and seems to know only too well what he's doing so, talk to your husband.
I'm pretty sure you can handle him, but at least things will be out and in the clear.

Talk to your man.



luvlisteningtomusic Answered:
You have two choices.

1. Tell your husband and be honest with him and change the locks on your home so his Dad cannot come in unannounced .

2. Talk to the Father tell him how uncomfortable you feel the next time he makes a move on you or your daughter.You need to be firm or he will continue.



You Cant Eat Milk Answered:
1)The daughter is over 18.. so he is allowed to come onto her and try to seduce her if he wants.Its not his granddaughter. No relation. Old white women arent the only humans on earth allowed to be cougars. So is your husbands dad.But, your daughter would be better off finding a millionaire coot. Your family doesnt sound richandshe should marry someone who makes more money than your husband does. You dont want her to end up with a trucker husband. gross. They smell. they sweat. They often buy hookers at truck stops. brrr.
And often times they have secret women in their other states they do long hauls to.

2) You said the word "YOU THINK" he is a pervert. Look woman. either he is or he isnt. There is no "I THINK".
"I THINK" sounds like paranoia.

3) how about this? instead of whining like a 14 year old? how about trying to hook his man up with a woman? Got any lonely friends? Is the father rich? get him into some dating service that hooks rich men with sugarbabies or something. If he's poor? then hook him up with some trail park woman. Anything. He's lonely. Of course he is going to try to get some. Thats what humans do.
At least he thinks you are good looking enough to touch. Most women your age have lost their beuaty by then. You obviously still got it.. if you can get a man to touch your butt by "accident". Alot of men wouldnt even dothat on purposeif you told them to at your age. Count your blessings. You can still excite a man.
Now.. stop whining and help him find a woman to bone (or a girl if he's rich). You will be amazed
at how unperverted a male becomes when he has a woman in his bed.

3) why tell on him? "waaaaaaaa. he touched my butt. waaaaaaaaaa".Just be productive and help him find a woman. Men with no women…. touch butts. duh.



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