How to deal with ending a verbally abusive marriage?

Gia Asked: How to deal with ending a verbally abusive marriage?

I'm going to start from the beginning.I'm married almost 11 years.I have tolerated verbal,mental and emotional abuse from my husband from day 1.I have tried 3 times to end my marriage but the same thing always happens.He cries hysterically, promises to change and to never do it again, I take him back an things go right back to the way they were.He has started fights over the dumbest things.If I brought home the wrong slice of pizza, I forgot to buy white bread.One morning before he left for work, we had an explosive argument that started about 5:30 am and ended when he left for work at 7 am because I didn't have syrup for his waffles.Aside from the fear of these constant ridiculous fights, there was always the fear of a fight for anything, I never knew when he would snap.Sometimes he would be fine and in that same minute, just explode.I filed for a divorce 2 years ago but I never finalized it because I always made the mistake of taking him back.I kept telling myself he will change.He's a heavy drinker and hes been on temporary disability for a spinal injury so that gives him the opportunity the start drinking about 8:30am sometimes 9am and he would go all day long.Everything would make him mad.He would call me terrible names.He would talk to anyone like that he didn't care.My mother is very sick so I go to her house everyday to be with her and take care of her.He had a fight with my sister and now wont let any of my family come to my house anymore.He said I can visit my parents with my kids but he has to come and he gives them 10 minute visitations.I finally got fed up i went and got a restraining order against him,He has been removed from the house and I have a court date.I have already made the arrangements to finalize my divorce.He has called several times saying he wants to see his kids and that I will never take them away from him.I was never trying to take them away, I just wanted him to leave because I was tired of the stupid fighting.I have a roller coaster of feelings going on right now.I have the feelings of relief, sadness and sometimes regret.I know in my heart I this is the right thing to do.He will never change, things will always be like this.Anyone who has gone through this, how did you did do it?

Answers:

Vertigo Answered:
Stay strong – that's all I can say.You know he's not going to change – you KNOW that – so remember it, keep it in your mind all the time.You'll get through this and you'll come out the other side a much happier person.When you get past the trauma of it, you'll wonder what on earth made you stay for so long.Good luck.



shy2008 Answered:
You said it yourself…."you know in your heart he will never change".You need to do what's best for yourself and your children.Have the courts set up visitation where he'll be supervised, that way you won't have to worry about him taking off with them.It won't be easy to leave but you already know that.Don't let him push your emotional buttons…some guys are good at that.You know in your heart what you must do.Be strong.Once he realizes he doesn't have you under his thumb anymore hopefully he'll back off and accept reality.Keep that restraining order current and tell the police if he starts stalking of threatening you.Good luck, I hope you can find the happy life we all deserve.



robert120513 Answered:
You're doing the right thing. You HAVE to leave him and get the divorce. You now know that he will never change. He believes that you and the whole world owe him something, and now he's gonna get what he's owed. But you haven't mentioned what he's like as a father. So I have to assume that he's ok. Try to let him see his kids away from you, but with supervision. If he thought parentsneeded only ten minutes with their offspring, then show him how that feels. Give him just ten minutes a week. That'll teach him.



Morning Star Answered:
OMG…this sounds so much like me. 11 years of abuse but mine also included physical abuse and abandonment.Mine is also an addict. He also says the same things about the kids.

This IS also abuse on the children.It changes who they are…and your son may become his father and your daughter may marry and abusive man…thinking this all normal. And THIS is what gave me my strength.I STILL love him.But…I love my children and myself more.This behavior will not stop with promises…it stops with action.If he goes to treatemtn, if he goes to therapy, if he gets anger management.But mine STILL after a protection order and basically loosing everything…blames me.He still refuses help.He still refuses to see his crippling dysfunction.And his family defends him and they all live in one big miserable delusional dysfunctional family.And I am the single b***h that is ruining everyones lives.

SO…I have been seeeing a therapist alone since 2008 when I began leaving.He refused to come with.You are making the right choice for your self and most importantly the kids.And it does hurt….we have given up a dream of a family.But my little family with me and the kids is getting emotionally better everyday.

His attempts at ripping you apart are already seeming pittiful to you. Like me…the promises and threats are powerless now.:)

Anyway.It is nice to hear of someone else going through the same thing as me…I mean, not nice we have to go through it…but that we are not alone…and we are doing the right thing.



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