My husband constantly ‘forgets’ to do things that he doesn’t want to do?

James Asked: My husband constantly ‘forgets’ to do things that he doesn’t want to do?

We've been together for 6 years and this problem has been getting worse and worse. I'm to the point where I feel like ending our marriage over it, which is really sad, but he refuses to fix the problem.

The latest 'issue' he's having is taking out the trash. We share a house with my elderly parents (splitting all the payments) and we've done so for 4 years now. The trash pickup has been the same the whole time. My mother has a condition which makes it difficult for her to do anything physical and my father works away from home during the week. Since my husband refuses to 'remember' to take out the trash, I'm always left to do it. Since I don't work (besides the housework and caring for my mother), I never complain about it.

In the past there was an incident where I forgot to put the trash out the night before and my mom asked my husband to take it out as he was walking out the door to go to work the next morning. He said okay. He had to walk past the trash bags by the door on his way out and past the garbage cans outside on his way to the car. He still didn't do it. My mother is obsessive compulsive and when he does things like this I always take the brunt of her outbursts about it.

When he got home that night I explained how she lost it and took it out on me (which he knows she always does) and that she even threatened to move which would mean we'd have no place to live since we can't afford all the bills ourselves. He said he was just in a hurry and 'forgot' so I let it go.

A few weeks later my parents went out of town for the week. When garbage pickup came around I happened to be extremely ill, but my husband assured me he'd take care of it on his way to work in the morning so not to worry about it.The next morning, of course it was still there. Again he claimed he forgot, but that he could take it to the dumpsters where he works so it wouldn't stay there until the next week and my mother wouldn't flip out. The next day he took the one bag still left in the house, but said he 'forgot' the 3 bags already in the can and that he'd take those the next day. For the next 4 days I left written reminders for him on the bathroom mirror so he'd see them in the morning, and every morning they were gone so I know he saw them. Every morning the trash was still there. Finally I just asked him straight out why he didn't do it, knowing that my mother was coming home and would undoubtedly take it out on me, and that we could even end up homeless for something so stupid. He claimed that he'd taken 2 of the bags that morning but there was just one left. When I checked the next morning all 3 bags were still there.

I'm just completely baffled why he would blatantly not do this one simple thing knowing how it's upsetting me, and then LIE about it. And then call me on the phone that same day and act as if nothing is wrong like I'm so stupid I won't know that he's lying to me. What the hell is wrong with him? Can somebody seriously be this lazy? If anyone has any ideas I'd really like to hear them because I seriously can't take this anymore. It's like living with a child instead of a 29 year old man.

Answers:

how are you Answered:
How about instead of making a huge issue over something ridiculous, YOU just make sure that YOU take the trash out?And if it doesn't get picked up, YOU take it somewhere?
Goodness.What a big deal over absolutely nothing.
I'd say you need to get to the REAL problem(s)…what's really bugging you, honestly?
My guess is the bigger issue is the fact that you are living with your parents, and my guess is that he isn't entirely happy with that, but maybe he isn't sure how to talk about it or what to do about it.
Communication is key, you two need to learn to talk about things.
And have fun.I suspect there's a great deal of stress in your lives, so take some time to go out together on 'date night' and just relax and have some fun together every day.I'm sure you married him for good reasons–try to remember what those were.
If you two really don't like being together, then perhaps it's time to say so and either try to fix things or just end it.



EverTight Answered:
It's not worth divorcing over the trash.Why don't you put a calendar on the fridge, those you can write on with marker and erase…with a note on the specific day. "Take Out Trash" this will help..don't make such a big deal about the trash, really? It's something petty and small.My husband also always forgets to take the trash but its not so huge where im going to BLOW up.If he was seeing another woman now that is something to divorce about



Kika Answered:
So, why don;t YOU do the same thing.

"Forget" to put his underwear in the laundry.
"Forget" to make his side of the bed.
"Forget" to serve his dinner.
"Forget" to MAKE his dinner.

No explanations. just don't do it.When he ask, tell him that you forgot.

And tell Mom to back off.You are an adult, married, woman.There is NO REASON why your mother should take these things out on you.tell herto alk to your husband.



Gary B Answered:
Oh goodness, if I had a nickel…I hear ya. Just maddening. The only thing I can suggest is maybe he just really hates garbage duty. Have you tried trading this task for something else (ie: he cooks/does the dishes and you do the garbage?). Tricky one. I'm also wondering if he's doing this on purpose. Is there something that you are/aren't doing that drives him crazy and he is retaliating in this way? (not trying to blame, just trying to get to the bottom of it).

Maybe next time give him a big smooch and a heinie pat before you ask him. Mix the good with the bad?

Good luck!



Bob Marleys House Frau Answered:
I will tell you, I have been through the same trash/chore argument. I am 28 years old and have been with my husband of1.5 years for 11 years, living together for 6 of those years. I don't know how your relationship is, but my husband and I are very close…having been together since we were practically kids. I have recently come to the revelation that he truly doesn't do this on purpose, he just simply doesn't think about it non stop like I do. SHAME on him for that, lol, not caring about such IMPORTANT things…not really. I understand you feel like it could possibly leave you homeless…but if your Mother, that you care for, would really do something like that to you and your husband that is what you should be concerned with. What kind of dependent Mother would do that to their child at any age over something like the trash not being taken out on time. I feel like based off only what you have written there is some communication lacking here with both you and your husband and you and your Mother. As well as a GREATER issue that supersedes the trash debate that you aren't discussing. If there isn't then you are dealing with an irrational Mother and just imagine how your husband feels living there with her. It is all about perspective, just to imagine his and what he is living in, and what is really the problem other than the "trash".



TiltMe2Day Answered:
You're a one-car house, so take the keys when he comes home. In the morning, he'll ask where his keys are, and you can tell him, "They'll be waiting on the counter once the trash is taken out."

Otherwise, tell him to do it as soon as he comes home. "Hi, honey, before you sit down, take the trash out."
"I'll do it later."
"I don't believe you. Take it out, now."
"I took it this morning."
"Really? Excellent, come show me the empty can."

He's not lying. Well, I suppose he is a little, but instead of calling it a lie, I'd call it passive aggression. He realizes he can do this because you're not giving consequences to his actions, you're simply complaining and he's learned that he can ignore that and nothing will happen.

You're absolutely right, it IS like living with a child. I really can't help you with that one. Yelling no longer works, so I guess you need to try something else.
Divorce isn't the answer because, as you pointed out, nobody can afford that option, anyway.



Liz Answered:
Tell your father in law if he doesn't stop then you will have to tell your husband.



NEAL JR Answered:
If you don't do somthing it will get worse. By doing nothing about it, you will be condoneing it. And I'd ask for the key back..Him having a key is asking for trouble.



Dayliaaria Answered:
I would ask him not to come around if you husband isn't in so he can moniter the sitution! I would tell your husband but not in a nasty way.



givemestrength Answered:
This is not unknown in families. But hold off from telling your husband. Either you square up to the father-in-law, and tell him not to do what he does or you'll inform your husband of his bad behaviour.

Maybe this threat will wake him up and make him realise he mustn't do this to you or your daughter.

There is a father in our family just recently lost his wife, who does this touching up and leering talk and make people very uncomfortable around him.

Dirty old man is his reputation now. But this father has been doing this for some years before he lost her.

How you solve this is not an easy matter, but try to keep a good distance from this man, and be wary for your daughter's plight.

givemestrength



Suzanne lily of the valley Answered:
Chris, I don't think he is a pervert – if for example he was even younger than your husband and obviously not related, you would not think this- so because he is older, does not make him OLD.However, it is not appropriate and you have no choice but to tell your husband!

As for your daughter: I think you mean you are afraid he will make a move – rather than he has, in which case, I think he actually fancies you and therefore not interested in your daughter, and it is for this reason, you ought to speak with your husband; he would get riled if you accused his father being a pervert, so you should not have that in your mind.

You also should stop blaming yourself, because if you are doing nothing to encourage him then you are not wrong and your husband can ask his father not to behave this way and if he is decent enough, he will stop and no need to break family ties.



Kc Answered:
Now, between protecting your husband and your 18 year old, what do you think?
Your husband is a big man, and although it's his dad, he'll get over it. Besides, you're not telling him not to see his dad anymore, just to have a chat with him and probably ask him not to come around unanounced. That's not asking for the moon is it?

I think that when you are prepared to jeopardized your children safety to save a relationship then you are totally going to ruin that relationship anyway.
Your choice of action is wrong.
Your reasons for doing it is also wrong.

Your priority is to protect your daughter and get some respect.
Now, the old man doesn't seem to have a mental health problem, and seems to know only too well what he's doing so, talk to your husband.
I'm pretty sure you can handle him, but at least things will be out and in the clear.

Talk to your man.



luvlisteningtomusic Answered:
You have two choices.

1. Tell your husband and be honest with him and change the locks on your home so his Dad cannot come in unannounced .

2. Talk to the Father tell him how uncomfortable you feel the next time he makes a move on you or your daughter.You need to be firm or he will continue.



You Cant Eat Milk Answered:
1)The daughter is over 18.. so he is allowed to come onto her and try to seduce her if he wants.Its not his granddaughter. No relation. Old white women arent the only humans on earth allowed to be cougars. So is your husbands dad.But, your daughter would be better off finding a millionaire coot. Your family doesnt sound richandshe should marry someone who makes more money than your husband does. You dont want her to end up with a trucker husband. gross. They smell. they sweat. They often buy hookers at truck stops. brrr.
And often times they have secret women in their other states they do long hauls to.

2) You said the word "YOU THINK" he is a pervert. Look woman. either he is or he isnt. There is no "I THINK".
"I THINK" sounds like paranoia.

3) how about this? instead of whining like a 14 year old? how about trying to hook his man up with a woman? Got any lonely friends? Is the father rich? get him into some dating service that hooks rich men with sugarbabies or something. If he's poor? then hook him up with some trail park woman. Anything. He's lonely. Of course he is going to try to get some. Thats what humans do.
At least he thinks you are good looking enough to touch. Most women your age have lost their beuaty by then. You obviously still got it.. if you can get a man to touch your butt by "accident". Alot of men wouldnt even dothat on purposeif you told them to at your age. Count your blessings. You can still excite a man.
Now.. stop whining and help him find a woman to bone (or a girl if he's rich). You will be amazed
at how unperverted a male becomes when he has a woman in his bed.

3) why tell on him? "waaaaaaaa. he touched my butt. waaaaaaaaaa".Just be productive and help him find a woman. Men with no women…. touch butts. duh.



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