My husband slept with another woman!?

Jas Asked: My husband slept with another woman!?

My husband of 10 years admitted to me this weekend that he had a one night stand with a girl from work. He's 34 and she's 23 (just to make me feel worse!). We have two children together at 6 and 3 and this night was after a really bad argument the two of us had had. It's rare we get into such heated arguments, we're normally the happy, perfect couple/family with not a thing going wrong for us, which is why I think when we do have an argument it's so bad… we don't have 'petty' arguments enough or something!

Anyway, this was practically nothing but had resulted in us screaming at each other (the kids were at their Grans we would never act this way in front of them) numerous household objects being broken by his rage and back and forth threats of divorce from us both! Looking back, it is SO childish and it was so unnecessary but what's done is done. He stormed out and I didn't see him until the next morning. He strolled in and I asked him where he'd been and he straight away admitted it. Said he'd been to the pub with some of the guys from work, this girl had joined them later on in the night, he was really drunk and spent the night at her flat. He said even though he was hammered he was aware of what he was doing, and at first he left with her just out of spite of the evening we'd had but once he'd got back to hers it really hit him what he was doing, he hated every second of it and wanted to come back but 'didn't think it was fair to stroll in so late and so drunk' so just passed out there & it meant nothing.

I didn't really know what to say! I mean there was a point in the night I found myself expecting that he'd obvs gone back to a girls house (for the first time in our marriage!) but I wasn't expecting him to actually just admit to it! I didn't say anything at first, I just left the room and went back to what I was doing. He could tell I was completely distraught even though I was hiding it pretty well in my state of shock, and HE started crying and apologising which kind of made ME feel bad!!!! He said that probably set me for the divorce even more so and well… I don't know. I don't want a divorce, I love him but right now i'm just so hurt and upset! I believe (especially since this) that if there had been any other times in the relationship this had happened he would have told me, and he does seem to genuinelly regret it and has been trying all sorts to get back in my good books. Plus we have the kids and I can't do that to them. But now I'm gonna find myself being paranoid 1. When he goes out and 2. WHEN HE'S AT WORK! Can I get past this or is it gonna be with me forever? Am I even over reacting? At the moment I'm being civil with him for the sake of the kids, but there's no way at the minute (this soon anyway) I can bare to just go back to how we were like it never happened!

(sorry didn't realize this would end up being so long!)

Answers:

LADY Answered:
Some couples can heal from an affair and stay happy together and some cant.Realize that his actions are going to stay with you and you will think about what he did every day.Your relationship does not sound healthy at all.



luvlisteningtomusic Answered:
If there is no consequences then he will most likely do it again.It is a good thing he was honest with you however he must have been scares that someone might have seen him or that you were going to find out.If you want to stay with him that is your choice however you both need marriage counseling and he will not be able to go out for awhile because he now lost your trust.If you don't go to marriage counseling and try to approve your marriage then this marriage is doomed and it will never work out.



Adrienne Chase Answered:
if he regretted it he would not went back to her. he might feel guilty and told u but he could of been acting like that for another reason to see her all night.



No Chance Without Rudolph Answered:
No, it doesn't look like it's going to work out. Looks like you're just going to have to marry me.



suzlaa1971 Answered:
Well…it sounds like it was a bad argument, which tends to happen. I'm glad you aren't making excuses for him or anything. For him to actually cheat and tell you;hmm….one of two things this can be handled; either figure out what drove him to cheat, are you both really that happy in your marriage? Let him know how you really feel about it. Is this something marriage counseling could help with? Or, are you ready to throw in the towel and just be done? I would worry and feel paranoid too; however, that's where HE needs to make it up to you and prove that your marriage/kids is worth everything to you. If not, then that would be your answer.Good luck!



A Answered:
In all honesty I think that this will stick with you and you're definitely not overreacting.I can under stand being civil for the sake of your kids too but what if somewhere down the road they find out and you two have no explanation.I'd say that someone needs to stay at a different place for the time being and you should have a clear conscience when you decide anything.

P.S.-If you can stand through all of this and somehow still get through it, you are one of the strongest people I've ever heard about.Hope I helped.



Tess Answered:
A good argument or drink is usually to blame for this behaviour
No excuse i know but it happens this way
It depends on if you can move forward from this
Married 10 years 2 kids i think i would give it a go
You have every right to feel angry and hurt right now
What woman would,nt i know i would
But if i loved him and this was a one off yes i would try
If you do decide to move on you must let this go it wont be easy
But if you keep throwing it at him you will never move on



Honeypai Answered:
Go to his work and talk to the girls supervisor or human resources. Tell them what happened. There may be an office policy about employees at work or even an ethics violation because you are married. Also, I would confront this girl personally, in public after work. Tell her that you know what happened and that there will be a restraining order put against her if she so much as blinks at your husband again.
Call a marriage counselor and make and appointment with your husband. This is too big a deal to try and work through it on your own. You are right, you have the kids to consider and you still love him.
All the best. I hope you both can get past this and nothing like that ever happens again.



SHowdy Answered:
Ok well let me say that I don't agree with a lot of people's opinion of cheaters. Yes 95% of the time I agree that someone who cheats will cheat again BUT that isn't the case for everyone. I think that you should look at the facts. Yes he messed up BIG TIME but he also admitted it right away. That shows he has integrity and didn't want to lie to you. He also showed remorse and was upset. I think that there are a few different kinds of cheaters. There are the cheaters who cheat because they can and they just do it, there are the cheaters who cheat because they are missing something from their relationship, and there are the cheaters who cheat once and it is the biggest mistake in their life and they learn from it and never do it again. It sounds like your husband falls under the last category. Since you don't want to divorce him then don't! I would recommend seeing a marriage counselor. I think it might help you get past some of these feelings and it will be in an environment where you both can be honest. As for work and him going out you will just have to explain to him that he has to earn your trust back. That you love him and know this was out of character but it doesn't change the way you feel. Explain that he needs to be in contact with you when he goes and keep up open communication. He also needs to avoid this girl AT ALL COSTS! Of course he works with her so it might be unavoidable at some points but they must maintain an purely professional relationship. If he is out with the guys and this girl shows up then he takes that as his cue to leave (he can do this without seeming rude). I think you are handling this well but I think you might be suppressing some of your true feelings. A counselor should help with that and maybe help improve your communication within the relationship and hopefully reduce your few huge blow ups.



evelua Answered:
Yeah you can get past it. It will take time and no way your over exaggerating if it was the other way around how would he take it??…but let me give you some advise from personal experience:
If you stay with him and forgive him then do that forgive him and let it go don't let it be something that you will end up throwing in his face every time you have an argument you'll just be hurting yourself every time you bring it up.. So think about it and when your ready talk with him and after that let it go..



no1advice Answered:
Well looks like he'll be paying child support for quite some time now since the kids are so young.I don't see you ever forgetting this maybe forgive but the biggest problem is she works with him.You have no control over that.

She has the advantage here and trusting him is out the window so you can't trust him.Yes be civil but if you spend the next 10 yrs living a lie and miserable remember that is your choice.

The only way to resolve it is for him to leave that job and go elsewhere and he must absolutely have no contact with her again.yes you will check him out of lack of trust but you must not hang it over his head if he is genuinely trying to gain back your trust in him.But this takes YEARS to do.You won't do it in afew months.So it's up to you.and him too.



pocket Answered:
So you two never really blue but "….this night was after a really bad argument the two of us had had. It's rare we get into such heated arguments…."?
Have you ever considered that either there are unresolved tensions/issues there that just showed up in'this was practically nothing but had resulted in us screaming at each other…numerous household objects being broken by his rage and back and forth threats of divorce from us both'!OR he wanted an excuse to do EXACTLY what he did, and created the situation that justified it to himself? That is not unusual for cheaters to exacerbate the home situation to justify their cheating.
This situation does warrant a far closer examination.



Barb Outhere Answered:
Try to keep it calm and cool and find out why this transpired.You may have to retrain him as some of his training seems to have been forgotten.If you are absolutely perfect in all respects then get rid of him; but all men are sort of slow and can be mislead by almost anything for who knows what reason.You may be letting him have too much free time so he got into mischief; or are leaving him with too much pocket money which is also bad.Keep him busy, broke and scared and life will be just fine for you.Who cares if he is happy or not?



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