Posts tagged "Heres Johnny Answered"

What can be done if one spouse wants children, but the other doesn’t?

MortalGuardian Asked: What can be done if one spouse wants children, but the other doesn’t?

Please read my novella, which is to follow. This situation is complex. Please remain patient with me as I explain everything.

My wife and I are in our mid 30's. We got married three years ago in December. Married life has treated me well. I am thankful to be married. My wife is a wonderful young lady. She and I have a lot of compatibility. However, there are some rather important issues that may be of concern. One of these issues is having children.

We dated for about two years before getting married. She told me that she wanted lots and lots of kids. In fact, at one point, I remember her saying that she actually wanted ten children. She has this fantasy of owning a farm, and having everyone chip in with the chores. But her thoughts about having so many children was years ago. Now, she is a little more realistic. She seems to want perhaps 2 or 3 kids. She is afraid of growing old and being alone. For example, she dreads ending up in a nursing home one day in the distant future, and she's afraid of being completely bereft of family. So one of the reasons she wants kids is so that she doesn't die alone. I know that in the existential sense, we are all ultimately alone in this world. But my wife doesn't believe that.

Before we got married, I told her that I do not want any children. I think that the relationship almost ended. She was very devastated when I told her this. I felt badly, too, because I felt selfish. You see, I am afraid of responsibility. Having a child would change my life permanently. My wife and I are mentally ill. I have severe OCD- she has severe Bipolar II. We are living with her maternal grandmother, in an upstairs bedroom. Yes, we pay rent, but it's a nominal amount. We want our own place to live, but we don't have the means now to accomplish that. Again, I am petrified of having any kids at all, because I can barely take care of myself. My wife can barely take care of herself. I have made tremendous progress towards independence, but I am still battling an ensemble of different issues. I struggle to keep jobs. I am trying to attend college, in order to become a teacher. My wife, like myself, is disabled. We are both physically fine, except we're both overweight. We are disabled because of the mental disorders. But we aren't totally impaired or incapacitated. We can do some things, but we have both had a few setbacks that have hindered our flight from the proverbial nest.

So basically, that is it. We saw a pre-marriage counselor, and he pointed out this dilemma. He said that one of us wanting children and the other not wanting them would be problematic. I guess his words fell on deaf ears. I was lonely, desperate, and worried about growing old alone. I can't speak for my wife. I suppose that I thought that no one else would love me or accept me, because I am very controlling. Yes, we love each other. Yes, we are both Christians. Yes, we have some degree of compatibility. But this children issue is not going to go away, and I realize that. She is not to be condemned for wanting to have children- it's completely natural. Perhaps I am an aberration, because most people do indeed want to have children. I guess I am selfish.

I chose to marry this woman, knowing good and well that she wanted kids. She chose to marry me, knowing that I didn't. But perhaps I have been leading her on. Perhaps I was not clear enough. Maybe we believed that we had to be together, for whatever reason or reasons. This was both of our first marriages. My illness isolates me. My wife is also mostly a homebody. We do not socialize much at all with the outside world, although we do not hate people. We just like being by ourselves most of the time. I think that many family members might really misunderstand us. They might make assumptions, and never bother to find out if they are accurate. I digress.

I might change my mind some day, if we get financially stable. We need our own place to live. We need to be at least moderately successful. Am I setting landmarks here, or am I just being realistic? I know that there is never, ever a "perfect" time to have kids. But my wife is 35 now. She is worried that she may never have kids, and she doesn't want to have that privilege taken away (which is quite understandable). I can have kids anytime I like. Her time is limited. So this problem is getting a little more urgent as we grow older. I don't know what can be done.

What can we do to peacefully, lovingly resolve this dilemma?

Read more…

Be the first to comment - What do you think?
Posted by admin - October 8, 2011 at 3:30 am

Categories: Divorce Questions   Tags: , , ,

A Jordanian Man Is In Love With Me…?

KatieKoo Asked: A Jordanian Man Is In Love With Me…?

I have never been the type of woman to hold any prejudices or to even be racist. I grew up having respect for all walks of life. I know I am not the only American to have heard horror stories about Arab men which is why I feel the need to inquire about this in the first place.
We met each other in May of 2011 when I was working in a coffee stand owned by a Jordanian man named Mujahed. When I had expressed that my ex boyfriend and I were separating he thought it would be a good idea for me to meet this other young Jordanian man ( we will call "G") who just came to America to go to school. So from there "G" and I met each other and he is extremely attractive for an Arab. He has beautiful light green eyes and caramel colored skin. His English wasnt great but has progressed positively since then. We started out as just seeing each other every once in a while and then my ex and I got back together for a while until we broke up again August 2011 and "G" and I became closer for about a week. I could tell he liked me more than just a friend and I started to gain feelings for him as well…until I got back together with my ex…again. So, "G" was a little upset but since we didnt get very far he wasnt extremely hurt. Now more recently when my ex and I broke up in mid September I started talking to "G" again and it got pretty hot and heavy and he expressed to me that he was afraid I was going to disappear again. I told him I wasnt…but of course I did. Finally, to conclude the back and forth, my ex and I broke up for the last time at the end of september and "G" is completely still in love with me. No matter how many times I said I would start seeing him but then go back with my ex, hurting him to the point that he had to move from his first home into a new one because he couldnt be in the same room that we were together in, he still wants me. He is always telling me how beautiful I am, he wants to move in with me, he wants to meet my family, he speaks of marriage and children, traveling to Jordan to meet his family…basically so romantic. He treats me the best I have ever been treated. But its still crazy to me that after all I have done to him, he still believes I am his one and only love. Now here is the other thing: the other day when we were hanging out I had the feeling that I needed to ask him what Mujahed, the owner of the coffee stand, told him about me to make "G" come and meet me. Wouldnt you know it, Mujahed told "G" to meet me so that he could marry me for citizenship…!!!!
I was hurt by this because I thought that the owner of the stand and I had a close friendship since I had done so much work for him and we had many deep conversations about the cultural differences and other things about life. And then a part of me was scared of "G" because he was wanting to move so fast with me and I thought that maybe he really was only trying so hard with me so that I would marry him. BUT he did tell me the truth and he was hesitant at first because he knew it would upset me. So I dont really know what I am asking here but I do know that Egyptian men are known for exploiting American women, marrying them for citizenship. I don't know about Jordanian men. I am just pretty cautious because I am the only person I know of in my circle of close friends and family to have gone through something like this and I dont have any one to ask about this. So I turn to the internet where I can hopefully find a Jordanian to answer or an American woman who has gone through something llike this.

BTW not to toot my own horn but I am attractive. So, I believe it when he tells me this and I do have an Arabic appeal. I have big green eyes, fair/olive tone skin, slim, and amazing style.

I just want to know if I should be cautious of a possible situation where he might be using me…I don't know. Some one help please!!!!

Read more…

Be the first to comment - What do you think?
Posted by admin -  at 3:30 am

Categories: Divorce Questions   Tags: , , ,