Posts tagged "OCD"

Was this a fair message to send to my husband?

Sarah Asked: Was this a fair message to send to my husband?

My husband and I have been married for 2 years and during that time he has left me 5 times, always claiming issues with my house and how my house triggered his OCD symptoms, but always moving in with the same woman who pays his way to have him. This last time, I had just moved into an apartment so when he started to find fault with the apartment, me and my son to leave, I filed for divorce. He sent an e-mail that he is missing us already and wants the divorce to go through but then date me or be friends after the divorce is final. I sent him the following e-mail:

After much thinking about our situation and reading our recent e-mails,I 've come to the conclusion that commitment is hard for you and your going to that woman is how you run away from responsibilities to be a kid again. It's not all your doing;I am at fault too for allowing you to do that and being much too tolerant. So rather than continue down the beaten path, I am going to give you between now and the divorce to come home and prove you are able to be reliable and responsible by staying and working on your issues with me. If you can not do that, then there is really no reason to try it after divorce because at that point we would be playing house as you are now doing with that woman and that proves nothing about your reliability;it only shows you are able to play house without any responsibility or commitment and we already know you can do that. The important thing is, can you step up to the plate in a committed relationship like the one you are in now with me and pull your own weight financially without being bailed out? So far you have not and that's what I need to see between now and the divorce being final.

Was that a fair message to send to my husband?

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Posted by admin - October 11, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Categories: Divorce Questions   Tags: , ,

What can be done if one spouse wants children, but the other doesn’t?

MortalGuardian Asked: What can be done if one spouse wants children, but the other doesn’t?

Please read my novella, which is to follow. This situation is complex. Please remain patient with me as I explain everything.

My wife and I are in our mid 30's. We got married three years ago in December. Married life has treated me well. I am thankful to be married. My wife is a wonderful young lady. She and I have a lot of compatibility. However, there are some rather important issues that may be of concern. One of these issues is having children.

We dated for about two years before getting married. She told me that she wanted lots and lots of kids. In fact, at one point, I remember her saying that she actually wanted ten children. She has this fantasy of owning a farm, and having everyone chip in with the chores. But her thoughts about having so many children was years ago. Now, she is a little more realistic. She seems to want perhaps 2 or 3 kids. She is afraid of growing old and being alone. For example, she dreads ending up in a nursing home one day in the distant future, and she's afraid of being completely bereft of family. So one of the reasons she wants kids is so that she doesn't die alone. I know that in the existential sense, we are all ultimately alone in this world. But my wife doesn't believe that.

Before we got married, I told her that I do not want any children. I think that the relationship almost ended. She was very devastated when I told her this. I felt badly, too, because I felt selfish. You see, I am afraid of responsibility. Having a child would change my life permanently. My wife and I are mentally ill. I have severe OCD- she has severe Bipolar II. We are living with her maternal grandmother, in an upstairs bedroom. Yes, we pay rent, but it's a nominal amount. We want our own place to live, but we don't have the means now to accomplish that. Again, I am petrified of having any kids at all, because I can barely take care of myself. My wife can barely take care of herself. I have made tremendous progress towards independence, but I am still battling an ensemble of different issues. I struggle to keep jobs. I am trying to attend college, in order to become a teacher. My wife, like myself, is disabled. We are both physically fine, except we're both overweight. We are disabled because of the mental disorders. But we aren't totally impaired or incapacitated. We can do some things, but we have both had a few setbacks that have hindered our flight from the proverbial nest.

So basically, that is it. We saw a pre-marriage counselor, and he pointed out this dilemma. He said that one of us wanting children and the other not wanting them would be problematic. I guess his words fell on deaf ears. I was lonely, desperate, and worried about growing old alone. I can't speak for my wife. I suppose that I thought that no one else would love me or accept me, because I am very controlling. Yes, we love each other. Yes, we are both Christians. Yes, we have some degree of compatibility. But this children issue is not going to go away, and I realize that. She is not to be condemned for wanting to have children- it's completely natural. Perhaps I am an aberration, because most people do indeed want to have children. I guess I am selfish.

I chose to marry this woman, knowing good and well that she wanted kids. She chose to marry me, knowing that I didn't. But perhaps I have been leading her on. Perhaps I was not clear enough. Maybe we believed that we had to be together, for whatever reason or reasons. This was both of our first marriages. My illness isolates me. My wife is also mostly a homebody. We do not socialize much at all with the outside world, although we do not hate people. We just like being by ourselves most of the time. I think that many family members might really misunderstand us. They might make assumptions, and never bother to find out if they are accurate. I digress.

I might change my mind some day, if we get financially stable. We need our own place to live. We need to be at least moderately successful. Am I setting landmarks here, or am I just being realistic? I know that there is never, ever a "perfect" time to have kids. But my wife is 35 now. She is worried that she may never have kids, and she doesn't want to have that privilege taken away (which is quite understandable). I can have kids anytime I like. Her time is limited. So this problem is getting a little more urgent as we grow older. I don't know what can be done.

What can we do to peacefully, lovingly resolve this dilemma?

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Posted by admin - October 8, 2011 at 3:30 am

Categories: Divorce Questions   Tags: , , ,

Had u been in this situation what would u have done?

Ail Dino Asked: Had u been in this situation what would u have done?

i am 16 and i am suffering a lot… my parents have a lot of clashes and misunderstandings and it is getting worse day by day…my father is a weird person, he used to love me a lot but now he doesnt love me at all, he loves my older sister and hates me, and he doesnt fulfill the rights of my mom, my mom has been suffering from OCD, he doesnt even bring for her the medicine which she requires and only my father is the one who earns in our house n he earns well enough. we live in pakistan and therefore my mom is a house wife. my father tortures his in laws psychologically by sending them filthy msgs against my mother and when i wrote msgs against my father to his brother, he was unable to tolerate it and he shouted over me and my mom and violated and offended us like hell, i am quite afraid of the situation and i am afraid if my father could harm my mother, what should i do? he has all the power and i am not able to do anything, please give me some suggestions? i'll be grateful…! p.s. i can't report to the police b/c here the system is entirely different…how should i stand up with confidence without being afraid? i am afraid he could divorce my mom and then where would she go??
i need suggestions please…!

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Posted by admin - September 17, 2011 at 7:00 am

Categories: Divorce Questions   Tags: , , ,