Why do I feel so apathetic when it comes to love? 10 points?

Alli Sane Asked: Why do I feel so apathetic when it comes to love? 10 points?

I've just sort of started to realize it this year, my sophomore of high school. Like, I've never been in a really relationship before, just one in middle school, which doesn't really count. And since that ended I had decided that I was going to wait to get into a relationship for "The One" and subsequently avoid my family curse of either getting knocked up before age 21, being cheated on, loveless marriages, and being old maids. Considering my lack of a stable relationship to look up to, I found myself admiring the relationship of Twilight's Edward and Bella. I realized that that's what I want, hence the idea of waiting for "The One"

Now I went with that pretty well my freshman year, I didn't really spark anyone's attention. But this year I sparked one guy's attention, but he wasn't what I was looking for and I cut off communication. Or like last night this guy in my English class IM-ed me on Facebook, we talked music for a bit, but I don't really know.

Sometimes in class I'll be looking around and spot a decent looking guy and think "Hmm, ok, I guess I like him." But then I'll think it over, usually the next day, and the idea of liking said guy loses it's luster. And I mean, I'm not at all desperate, quite independent actually, but I still have that want for love, real, true, deep love. I have a lot of love to give and I would like a lot in return. But at this point, I don't know if I see that happening where I am, here in a mundane suburban Colorado city. I feel almost like I have to start all over in a new city, a new state, to get even close to getting what I want. I'm starting to feel hopeless, apathetic, when it comes to love. There is one thing I'm looking for and I don't see it coming. I know I'm young, in a sense, but I want to find "The One" early on so I can spend as much time with him as humanly possible. And I don't want to "live it up" as a teenager. That's not something I want, that I'm interested in. And I've always sort of had the idea in my head that I would find love young, since I was like 5, crazy but true. I don't value my time by how many guys I dated, or flirted with etc. my teen years would be ones to reminisce upon if I did find my love in them, that's what I want/ I would be perfectly happy with being with one person from now till the end, I've always been told I'm too mature for my age. But I'm just….feeling empty I guess? I don't even know.

Any advice?


Anne Answered:
The thing about love is that it's pointless to chase it. I don't mean to undermine any of your experiences, but as a teenager you have a long way to go in life and you shouldn't really be worried about finding true love, or be concerned that there's something wrong with you if you don't find yourself falling head-over-heels for whatever boys happen to go to school with you.

The way I see it, love just happens, and it's pointless to expect it to happen to you or try to seek it out. So live your life, do what you enjoy, and hey, maybe someone will appear one day while you're out there doing your thing that you find completes you. Life is exciting, let it happen to you.

Alexander Answered:
Well, you did answer my question so I thought I would take a peek at yours. I read what you wrote (both your answer and this question) entirely and I am fascinated by what I see. I am not in anyway shape or form a twilight fan, but I have seen both Twilight & Eclipse in theaters, please do not hate me for not reading the book. I do know what you mean by "The One". It is very difficult to find "The One", however, it is not impossible either. Honestly, it is not as hard as you think. It does get difficult when there isn't someone at your school that you would classify for this role.

I like you optimism for finding your One at the teenager years, because it's very likely. You have a larger (yet smaller sometimes) selection of people to choose from. Although I do not enjoy the values most teenage boys have about girls, music, sex, relationships, and most anything else in general, beneath it all, there will be a boy (or girl) that will click to you and vice versa.

(formerly) Like you, I was very disappointed to see how modern girls act and run about with life. Drugs, bad music, overly casual dressing/laziness— it was a disappointed revelation to discover, but let me give you a quick biology lesson, you seem bright enough to understand this as an analogy.

Corn's dominant trait is for the kernels to be wrinkled and dark. The recessive traits are for the kernels to be round and yellow. Most commonly, corn is actually dark and wrinkled. Less commonly, corn is either yellow and wrinkled and yellow or dark and round. But through the thick and thin chances (despite selective farming), there is round yellow corn.

Hopefully my biology didn't throw you off, but the point of the story is that although most boys are "not attractive" and have no personality, some have a personality with no looks, and some have looks with no personality—- There IS a boy with both. Now, here is the dilemma you are in. You are sorting through corn, finding all the good pieces of corn, but after you filter out all the good pieces, you need to find the ONE piece of corn that is destined for you (and vice versa).

Always remember, as rare as girls and boys like you are, there are still some who are going through the same process. For some there are more filters than others, an example of a filter for you is age (or at least is should be?). Although finding a boy at a young age is assisted with the imprisonment— I mean, collection of students in high school, it is still a difficult search that may take time.

I do however admire the personality I see in what you write. It really speaks to me. Although I cannot completely say I would take the same road as you or hunt the same hunt, it is very admirable. Good luck lady friend.

Michael Answered:
Do you want to marry this man because you can't live without him….or because you're getting older and want a family?I think if you really wanted to be a wife, you wouldn't have "pretended" to be one for 7 years.I'm not judging you.I've done the same thing.And I know in my heart I was wrong.

Have you asked your boyfriend what his views are about marriage? Does he see it as a negative thing or a positive thing?

My bf simply didn't have any positive views of marriage before I met him. His friends who got married young were already divorced and usually ended up arguing with their exes over kids or money. His Mom had been married 3 times and all ended in divorce. So it did take a long time for us to finally take the next step into marriage, 6 years. Sometimes I'm glad we didn't jump into it quickly since most everyone we know who did that are divorced now.

I know that ultimatums usually end in disaster…but I kind of had to ask my bf if we were ever going to commit for real or not, because that's what I needed to move forward in order to have a family. My bf finally accepted that and we got engaged and married a year later. We have now been together for 22 years.

As far as kids go, you never know if a baby will happen when you plan it to happen, so you do have to consider that especially as you get older because it doesn't get easier to get pregnant. We had no idea that it would take us yet another 6 years to have our first child, things happen that you can't predict and they throw your "plan" way off course.

I would think after all this time, you should know if you both want the same things in life or not. If you don't know yet, you need to discuss this and find out. If he's not seeing a future together the same way you are then you may need to move on now while you can. It would be a tough decision but you have to do what's going to best fulfill your vision of your future life or you simply won't be happy.
I don't know why he would be opposed to being engaged as a sign that he intends to marry you unless he really doesn't see marriage in his future. The fact that he's been with you this long should prove that he loves you and wants to spend his life with you, but he may need a nudge to follow through on marriage. Good luck and best wishes!

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